Excerpt From Amanda's Journal
by TB's LMC
Summary: I've always wanted to "keep" Amanda's journal for her, I just haven't had time to sit down and do it. So this is one excerpt from that journal.


Title: Excerpt From Amanda's Journal  
  
Author: Christine L. Davis  
  
E-Mail: nilescc@yahoo.com  
  
Disclaimer: Lee and Amanda and all other characters you recognize belong to Warner Brothers and Shoot The Moon. No copyright infringement intended.  
  
Feedback: Welcomed with open arms.  
  
Author's Notes: This is just a short little ditty. I've always wanted to "keep" Amanda's journal for her, I just haven't had time to sit down and do it. So this is one excerpt from that journal.  
  
EXCERPT FROM AMANDA'S JOURNAL  
May 6, 1987  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Once I was lost.  
  
My life passed by in a blur. Every minute was filled, but at no moment did I feel fulfilled. Little League games, PTA meetings, the Single Moms Support Group. Trips to the doctor, the dentist, the hobby store, the grocery store. Days filled with laundry and vacuuming and dusting and trying to find a decent-paying job. I never had any time to myself. I was never alone, it seemed. Even in the privacy of my bedroom there is no privacy. Mother's room is nearby, Phillip's and Jaime's rooms are nearby. If I cry, Mother hears. She wants to help me, to comfort me. I don't think she has ever understood that sometimes a person just needs to cry. For everything, for nothing. Just because.  
  
But now I'm not lost. I have a place. A place of my own. I love my mother. I love my sons. But I'm not "Dotty's daughter" or "Joe's ex-wife" or "Phillip and Jaime's mother" anymore. Oh, I'm still all of those things, of course, but I have a new identity. One which fulfills me more than I ever thought possible. I am not just Amanda Katherine West King anymore. Well, I'm Amanda Katherine West King Stetson since Lee and I got married three months ago, but that's not the point I'm trying to make.  
  
The point, Dear Diary, is that I have finally become a Senior Agent with exactly the same status and rights as my husband has. I've always had a badge, and sometimes a gun, but now the ID accompanying my badge gives me access to anything and everything. And I have my own Agency-issued weapon. I may sound proud of that and I guess, in a way, I am. As much as I don't like to shoot, it makes me feel like a real agent to have it. It's a smaller gun than the one Lee has, it's kind of like Francine's gun, actually. Just without the pearl handle. Francine goes over-the-top on everything, even her gun.  
  
There was a ceremony yesterday for the induction of all newly-appointed Senior Agents. There were four of us in all. Dick Bacon finally made it, he's been a regular agent for ten years! Then there was Marcus Hammond. I don't know him very well, he's been working mostly on CIA-Agency Joint Task Force on Un-American Activities since he started at The Agency four years ago. The third person was Grant Rose. He seems nice, I don't even know what he does at The Agency. And then, of course, there was me.  
  
It was a little disappointing that my mother and the boys couldn't be there for my big moment. But of course, that's the way it has to be. I still had family present. Lee was there for me, of course. Actually, practically everyone at The Agency was there: Mrs. Marston, Mr. Melrose, Francine, Beaman, Leatherneck…Lee even got T.P. in! Dr. Smythe was officiator, but I don't think he really wanted to be. Especially when it came to me. Lee and I have crossed him so many times over the years that I rather think he wished he could hang me instead of hand me my new ID.  
  
Still…I would swear that as he presented me with my status certificate he looked like a proud father. Lee thinks I'm imagining things. I wonder…maybe Dr. Smythe isn't as much of a jerk as Lee thinks he is.  
  
Ah, Lee…I could write pages and pages about that man and probably not even scratch the surface. He was definitely proud of me. And it was so obvious, I can't believe nobody knows about us. I even caught him wiping a tear from his eye as I stood on the stage! He wouldn't stop smiling and he kept telling me over and over how proud he was and how much I deserved to become a Senior Agent. I overheard him bragging once or twice to other agents that I was his partner. What a ham.  
  
I would like to mention that the pay raise has been wonderful as well.   
  
Anyway, I got to thinking about the whole thing…about how Lee picked me out of a crowd at the train station, about how I agreed to help him (I'm still not quite sure why) and about how our relationship began. I know that he thought I was the biggest nuisance. I was. I know I was. I was so naïve, silly and excited…not that I think there's anything wrong with that, but to a man like the old Lee, I was a major thorn in the side.  
  
I don't know that I can pinpoint exactly when his attitude toward me began to change. It was so gradual that I barely noticed at all until one morning when he called me and asked me to come in on a Saturday. He said, "I really need your help on this research, Amanda. But I understand if you have other plans, I don't want to interfere." That was, I think, the first time he ever outwardly expressed concern for my plans. It was also the first time he ever actually said he needed me. That meant a lot to me back then.  
  
Of course, it does now, too. Lee tells me all the time that he doesn't know how he ever got along without me. How he was alone and miserable before I came into his life. He tells me many things about how I've helped him, but it occurred to me earlier this evening that I've never told him exactly how he has helped me. Even back when we'd known each other less than a year, he'd already become my whole world.  
  
He still is my whole world. He and The Agency and Mother and the boys. There are two sides to my life, but I exist within both as the same woman. I love Lee with the same ferocity that I love my mother and children. I would be just as miserable and lonely as he was back then if he weren't in my life.  
  
I have to tell him. Now. Oh, gosh, it's 1am! He'll kill me! No, he won't. And if Mother asks about it tomorrow, I'll tell her I had to go talk to someone who needed me. That is, after all the truth. I do need to talk to Lee and Lee does need me. More importantly, I need him.  
  
I won't even put regular clothes on. I'll leave my nightgown and throw on my tan trench coat.  
  
Lee will understand. 


End file.
